Personal Growth

"But as I look back at my life, it is easy to see that the times when my wisdom and understanding grew to new levels; those times when I approached becoming the person I long to be; it was always the times that followed negative circumstances." -- Vic Johnson

I have been very fortunate to have experienced several "disasters" in my life.

Fortunate, you say?

Yes, I have been very fortunate indeed.

I was fortunate enough to go through a divorce with my now ex-husband, freeing us to be the good friends and parents we are today. Yes, it was a totally nightmare-ish time for both of us, and we did the usual divorcing couple things - lashing out in anger, manipulating, name-calling, you name it, we did it. I had to walk out of the relationship with nothing other than the children, my computer and 2 broodmares in order to walk out (and forward) at all, but I have never looked back. But we both GREW as people through that time. We learned how to deal with one another, learning to set our differences aside and do what is best for our children. And in the doing, we became friends again. We went through the fire and came out the other side the stronger for it.

Speaking of trial by fire I was fortunate enough to have our house and everything in it burn to a crisp in order for us to appreciate the material things that we have in our lives. The kids and I lost almost everything in that fire but through the entire process the kids and I grew as people. Sure, it was devastating, and it hurt us all very deeply. Hey no one ever said GROWTH is painless - that's why they call them growing pains. But it wasn't until we lost everything for the second time in a year that we truly appreciated what we had.

We were fortunate enough to have a very sickly child - during the first 2 years of his life Dylan was hospitalized 5 times for various respiratory ailments and systemic bacterial sepsis from one of his pneumonia episodes. At the time we didn't realize just how often sepsis is fatal in infants - recent figures show that 1 in 3 children with systemic bacterial sepsis dies. At the time we thought it was more like 1 in 5 (me) or 1 in 20 (Darren). We learned just how very precious life is as we slept in hopital chairs and walked hospital hallways with ailing Dylan.

The same weekend the house burned down, friends of ours lost their beloved granddaughter Natalia at age 3 to an aggressive brain cancer. Their lovely daughter Rachel, Natalia's mother, committed suicide 18 months later, unable to cope with her loss, leaving behind another daughter - 10 yo Caylee. Poor, poor Rachel didn't make it through her trial by fire. We learned from her tragedy to appreciate our children and savor the time we have them with us. When I start feeling sorry for myself I drive up and sit by Rachel's and Natalia's tomb and remember that I am alive, I am strong and I am capable of going forward and opening my eyes day after day. As long as you are alive you have hope and possibilities.

Now life is a bit different for each of us. We are stronger people - we have lived through adversity and emerged whole, if perhaps somewhat scarred. We know that we can handle anything that life throws at us, and we appreciate the people in our lives who are there because we have drawn them there. We are incredibly lucky that we didn't have to lose anyone in our family to learn how important we are to one another, and that FAMILY and LOVE are what really matters. We have risen from the ashes that was our lives with new strength, appreciation and determination. We are capable and enduring, flexible but perservering. Onwards and upwards with a smile - we can overcome anything as long as we have one another.

Friday the Thirteenth

So I was innocently sorting and folding a pile of laundry when my cell phone rang. It was Darren, saying "You aren't going to believe this." He then begins to describe to me the morning activities of my TB mare Boom Boom Cha Cha.



by actwithpride

Apparently Boom Boom was in her stall when a diesel truck on the backside of the barn made some sort of noise and scared her. She broke through the snaps holding her stall webbing in place in front of her and was loose. She proceeded to run down the shedrow and into the street between barns. Darren grabbed a shank and followed her but she was fllllyyyying (she IS a racehorse, mind you) and turned around a corner out of sight. Dale Baird's assistant trainer Penny Mathias told Darren that she saw Boomers make a beeline for the stablegate of the backside - which was still open after letting a horse trailer exit the barn area.

Boom Boom ran through the stablegate and luckily opted to turn right and run down along the back of the barns, on the outside of the barn area fence. She then headed down to the quarter chute of the race track itself. Unable to get onto the track she turned around and galloped on the grass up to the Hotel. By this point Boom Boom has gone about a mile in approximately 2-3 minutes. She then made a left turn onto Route 2 and somehow - the details are fuzzy - HIT A CAR.

Yes, hit a car. But don't panic yet.

The car had it's back windshield knocked out, the rear quarter panel crinkled, and the tail light cracked. The estimate from the car owner came in already at $2100 + cost of rental car. Fortunately the driver was uninjured, and had no passengers - he has 14 yo twins, at least one of whom would have been in the backseat had they been traveling with their Dad. The rear windshield was COMPLETELY shattered.

Our vet had already gone for the morning, so Dr Murray (already on the scene) filled in and went over Boom Boom for us. The vet warned us to keep an eye on her left knee, cautioned us about deep muscle bruises. On her shoulder she tore a small flap of skin and there are some bloody marks on her legs possibly from the glass. She was shaking like a leaf, with some blood on her lower lip where she hit the vehicle (a 2004 Grand Am). Doc gave her some banamine and aspirin and told us to keep checking on her every few hours.

After I thought about it awhile, I called our vet Dr Jimmy Boucher to ask if we should be worrying about a pneumothorax, as is the case with dogs that have been hit by cars. The concussion often causes air to leak outside the lungs, making it hard for the lungs to fill against the pressure of the air surrounding them. It often requires a chest tube to reduce the air volume outside the lungs. However Doc informed me that the most common after effect of horse vs. car is colic. Apparently their systems often shut down from the shock, leading to colic. So we will be watching her for that.

by actwithpride

I want to go back to bed for the rest of the day but we have to take turns checking on Boomers. The important thing is that no people were injured or (God forbid) killed in this tragic accident - cars can be fixed, not always the case with our loved ones.

Only on Friday the Thirteenth.

Awakening

Those of you who know me know that I have been struggling with depression for most of my life. It is a difficult task at times and often hard on my family.

Reawakening from the frazzled vagueness of the past few years, I am trying to find my way, and become me once again.

Regaining my balance.

Remembering who I am.

Finding a purpose and a direction and a goal and a mission.

Then figuring out what I need to do to get us there.

I want to buy our own house. I want security, stability, an end to the wondering and the wandering.

I want to look at my life with clear eyes, dust it off, tidy it up and be proud to call it my own.

I want to maintain a clear view of the future and strive to do the best I can for my family, friends and horses.

One step at a time.



by actwithpride